I wanted to write this post before Christmas because it’s pretty specific to the holidays, but better late than never!
During the peak years of my disordered eating, I loved and dreaded the holidays. On the one hand, there was always an overload of food to binge on. I could eat and eat (and eat) until I literally had no room left in me. But then I would make room. And do it all over again. I’m not kidding when I say this, but I had zero self-control. I was basically a robot that shoved cookie after cookie and chip after chip into my mouth. In my mind, there was no point in eating anything at all unless I was going to eat everything.
On the other hand, I dreaded knowing that I’d have to be really sneaky so that my family wouldn’t catch on. I couldn’t eat masses of food in front of them, because I honestly ate abnormal amounts. They’d wonder why I wasn’t 400 lbs! And it was embarrassing. I certainly wasn’t going to help myself to thirds and fourths while everyone else struggled through their second helping. So I would consume as much as I could at any opportunity when no one was around.
I also dreaded the whole “getting rid of it all” part. In a house full of people, the bathroom is a hot commodity. “Shannon, are you STILL in there?” Because you see, I had to make sure not one tiny scrap of food was left in me. That took time. And then my face would be red, my nose would be runny, and my eyes would be watery. I’d have to spend a few minutes cleaning myself up before facing anyone.
Frankly, it was a huge pain in the ass. But I’d go for Round 2 anyway. Maybe Round 3 if there was time. I’d feel increasingly guilty with each bite, especially during the holidays. There were starving kids all over the world and here I was, wasting huge amounts of food. I really did hate myself for that.
To be honest, all these years later I do have quick bouts of panic that are very reminiscent to my past when I eat more than usual. But they are tiny in comparison and they don’t come with the warped perceptions about food and my body that I used to have. They also serve as reminders of how lucky I am to have fought and won this battle.
The holidays should be something to look forward to, not fear. Thankfully, I do look forward to them now, knowing very well that I’ll indulge more than I should. But I also know that that’s ok. It’s not something I do on a daily basis and if I gain 1 or 2 lbs, that’s ok too. Food is meant to be enjoyed and I am so grateful that I can do just that.
It’s funny (ok… not haha funny), but I get a little choked up writing these Touchy Subject posts. It’s actually a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I fear that I’ll be judged or that readers will think that what I’m sharing is really inappropriate. I also can’t help but feel a little embarrassed, even though I know it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. But at the same time, I realize with each paragraph that I write, this is something I needed to do. I never went to therapy, (it never even crossed my mind to do so), and I never talk about it with friends or family. I guess I figured, “I’m ok now, there’s no need to talk about it.” Turns out, I really did. So thank you for listening. YOU are my therapy :).
You can check out Part I and/or Part II here if you haven’t already.
Have a great FRIDAY!!!
my little lemon tree 