A Touchy Subject ~ Part III

I wanted to write this post before Christmas because it’s pretty specific to the holidays, but better late than never!

During the peak years of my disordered eating, I loved and dreaded the holidays. On the one hand, there was always an overload of food to binge on. I could eat and eat (and eat) until I literally had no room left in me. But then I would make room. And do it all over again. I’m not kidding when I say this, but I had zero self-control. I was basically a robot that shoved cookie after cookie and chip after chip into my mouth. In my mind, there was no point in eating anything at all unless I was going to eat everything.

On the other hand, I dreaded knowing that I’d have to be really sneaky so that my family wouldn’t catch on. I couldn’t eat masses of food in front of them, because I honestly ate abnormal amounts. They’d wonder why I wasn’t 400 lbs! And it was embarrassing. I certainly wasn’t going to help myself to thirds and fourths while everyone else struggled through their second helping. So I would consume as much as I could at any opportunity when no one was around.

I also dreaded the whole “getting rid of it all” part. In a house full of people, the bathroom is a hot commodity. “Shannon, are you STILL in there?” Because you see, I had to make sure not one tiny scrap of food was left in me. That took time. And then my face would be red, my nose would be runny, and my eyes would be watery. I’d have to spend a few minutes cleaning myself up before facing anyone.

Frankly, it was a huge pain in the ass. But I’d go for Round 2 anyway. Maybe Round 3 if there was time. I’d feel increasingly guilty with each bite, especially during the holidays. There were starving kids all over the world and here I was, wasting huge amounts of food. I really did hate myself for that.

To be honest, all these years later I do have quick bouts of panic that are very reminiscent to my past when I eat more than usual. But they are tiny in comparison and they don’t come with the warped perceptions about food and my body that I used to have. They also serve as reminders of how lucky I am to have fought and won this battle.

The holidays should be something to look forward to, not fear. Thankfully, I do look forward to them now, knowing very well that I’ll indulge more than I should. But I also know that that’s ok. It’s not something I do on a daily basis and if I gain 1 or 2 lbs, that’s ok too. Food is meant to be enjoyed and I am so grateful that I can do just that.

It’s funny (ok… not haha funny), but I get a little choked up writing these Touchy Subject posts. It’s actually a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I fear that I’ll be judged or that readers will think that what I’m sharing is really inappropriate. I also can’t help but feel a little embarrassed, even though I know it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. But at the same time, I realize with each paragraph that I write, this is something I needed to do. I never went to therapy, (it never even crossed my mind to do so), and I never talk about it with friends or family. I guess I figured, “I’m ok now, there’s no need to talk about it.” Turns out, I really did. So thank you for listening. YOU are my therapy :).

You can check out Part I and/or Part II here if you haven’t already.

Have a great FRIDAY!!!

A Touchy Subject ~ Part II

Hello & happy Friday & can you believe Christmas is in a week??!!! How did that even happen??? I’m ready-ish. Just a few more little things to buy (which i’m sure will turn into a lot of little things), and a few more cookies to bake. I have my work holiday party later today at a fancy restaurant that I could never afford to eat at otherwise, so that’s pretty exciting. And if we get a little break from the rain this weekend, I’m hoping to check out a couple of Christmas events.

OK, now onto a more serious note. You can check out A Touchy Subject ~ Part I if you want to get up to speed, as this post is a continuation from that.

I should probably mention how this all started. I was in grade 9 at the time. One night I made myself a bowl of ice cream with hot chocolate powder and Rice Krispies sprinkled on top. It was really good, so I decided to have another. A little while later, I went to have a shower but before I got in, I took a look in the mirror and for the first time, I saw a bunch of flab that seemed to have appeared overnight. I basically felt like a giant cow and I couldn’t believe I had let that happen to myself. And then I thought about the 2 bowls of ice cream I had just eaten and decided that it just couldn’t stay in my body. So, it didn’t. I remember thinking, “well that was easy.” And there you go. From that point on, for way too long, a vicious cycle had begun. In my mind, it was win-win. I could eat whatever I wanted but not get fat because I would simply get rid of the food.  And when I ate, I ate. Anything and everything in sight. I went back and forth between that and not eating anything at all and the weight just came flying off. I started to feel weak and sick, but it just didn’t matter.

It didn’t take long for friends and family to start commenting on my weight loss. Compliments quickly turned into concern, which was an even bigger compliment to me. One day, I went to the mall with my boyfriend at the time and I fit into a pair of size 1 pants. I was elated. My boyfriend basically said that I looked sick and gross, and as sad as it is, that made me happy.

It’s hard to believe that my body put up with that phase of my life. For a solid year at high school, my lunches consisted of a small bag of gummy bears and a can of diet coke. And nope, no breakfast to start my days. Even worse, I smoked cigarettes throughout high school and used them to curb my appetite on a very regular basis. I was consuming roughly 500 calories a day, sometimes less, which is way too low. Dangerously low. And those calories usually didn’t include an ounce of nutritional sustenance. But guess what? I was wearing size 2 jeans! Worth it, right? Not one little bit.

I had a part time job that I usually went to right after school which was great because I could get away with not eating dinner. I might have a few carrot sticks or rice cakes, maybe a plain bagel on a good day. If I happened to be at home, I’d sit down and eat dinner with my parents. Lots of dinner. Then I would sneak off after…and you know the rest.

I remember being at a friends party one night when I was about 15. Her parents ordered KFC for everyone and WOW did it ever smell delicious. Of course there was no way in hell I was going to let myself have any of the chicken, but I did give in and have one of the small little dinner rolls that came with it. I was SO mad at myself after. Seriously, just livid. I felt like a complete failure that had absolutely no self-control. When things like that happened, I would tell myself “ok, well tomorrow you have to make up for it,” and I’d basically eat nothing.

The farther I get in my nutrition program, the more I realize how lucky I am. There are so many health consequences that can result from eating disorders, both short and long-term, which for the most part, I was able to avoid. I deprived my body of the vital nutrition that it needed to keep me going, yet somehow it still didn’t fail me. I call that a miracle.

Thank you for tuning into Part II. As I mentioned before, writing about my disordered eating journey isn’t easy, but it’s good for me and I think it’s something that I really needed to do at some point, even all these years later. It’s helping me understand now what I couldn’t understand back then. A healing process that was a little delayed.

Have a great weekend and I’ll talk to you soon!

 

 

A Touchy Subject ~ Part I

My main focus of this blog is nutrition. I’m learning so much through my Holistic Nutrition Program, and I want to share it with you. Why? Because I believe we can all be healthy and happier, inside and out, with some good nutrition. I also believe it’s up to us to set healthy examples for future generations, which we can only do if we strive to be healthy ourselves. With that being said, it won’t always be recipes and nutritional tips & info that you find here. Sometimes things are gonna get a little real and a little raw.

It’s important that I touch on my past from time to time, not only because it’s a big part of where I am today, but also because I KNOW people out there can relate. I also know that being able to relate to someone who came out of a dark place and worked really hard to make positive changes in their life can make it a whole lot easier to do the same. It’s not always easy to believe in yourself. It can take a lot of ups and downs, trial and error, and self-doubt. But from experience, the harder you work, the greater the reward.

I battled with an eating disorder for close to ten years. Looking back, I was filled with so much denial. I just never saw myself as one of the typical girls that you would read about or see in a movie that had an eating disorder. I didn’t let myself believe it was real, but it was as real as they get. I felt weak, ashamed, embarrassed and guilty about what I was doing to myself, yet I just couldn’t stop. Being skinny was my only priority and unfortunately, that overcame how awful I felt mentally and physically.  And trust me, I felt awful.

This isn’t me, but it’s definitely how I spent a lot of time feeling. Eating disorders can completely distort how you see yourself.

One of the scariest experiences I faced throughout my disordered eating journey happened when I was in grade 10. I remember it so vividly. My best friend and I were outside playing in the snow like a couple of kindergarteners. It was late in the afternoon and I hadn’t eaten a thing all day. I started to feel increasingly dizzy and shaky until all of a sudden, I completely blacked out. It seemed to happen in slow motion and it was absolutely terrifying. I thought to myself “oh my God, am I dying???” Well no, of course that wasn’t the case, and the blackout lasted less than a minute. When I came to, my friend was really concerned and I just casually said “oh, I forgot to eat breakfast.” She insisted that we go back to her house and eat something. I agreed, only because I really didn’t want to black out again. It was embarrassing and I didn’t want her to call my parents.

We went to her house and she opened up a can of tomato soup. I figured I was pretty safe eating that. I mean it was basically just vegetable juice. But then she added cream instead of water and my anxiety level went through the roof. I knew I had to eat the soup to keep her from worrying, and I was still quite shaky, but it was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. I hated myself more and more with each bite. I was convinced that I’d get fat from that one bowl of soup. I was mad at my friend too. Why was she trying to make me fat?? Didn’t she understand how hard I had worked to become skinny? Was she doing it on purpose? Was she jealous? No, of course not. She was being a really good friend and unfortunately, my eating disorder prevented me from seeing that.

Battling an eating disorder is like having a little devil on your shoulder, constantly whispering things in your ear like “don’t eat that! You’ll get fat! You’ll be prettier if you’re skinny! You’ll have more friends if you’re skinny! Everyone will like you more if you’re skinny!” And of course you have the angel on your other shoulder. She’s trying to tell you how dangerous what you’re doing is, but the devil just gets louder and louder until the angel disappears. I felt like I was in complete control of myself, while also having zero control at the same time. I was obsessed with the scale and absolutely miserable. My poor parents knew something was going on, but anytime they brought it up, I’d lash out at them and deny that I had a problem. I’d make sure that they saw me eat, all the while just waiting to get the food out of my body as quickly as possible. I hated food, and I hated myself. It was no way to live, but I just couldn’t escape.

I find writing about my history with eating disorders to be very therapeutic and also pretty scary. It puts me in a very vulnerable position but I’m so grateful that I was able to overcome such a difficult battle and for finally having the courage to open up about it. It’s not something that I’m ready to talk about out loud, but for now, this is enough. My hope is that someone out there who is going through a similar situation reads this and realizes that they’re not at a dead end. Health, happiness and self-confidence are a very real possibility. I’ll be back soon with A Touchy Subject ~ Part II.

XO ~ Shannon