My main focus of this blog is nutrition. I’m learning so much through my Holistic Nutrition Program, and I want to share it with you. Why? Because I believe we can all be healthy and happier, inside and out, with some good nutrition. I also believe it’s up to us to set healthy examples for future generations, which we can only do if we strive to be healthy ourselves. With that being said, it won’t always be recipes and nutritional tips & info that you find here. Sometimes things are gonna get a little real and a little raw.
It’s important that I touch on my past from time to time, not only because it’s a big part of where I am today, but also because I KNOW people out there can relate. I also know that being able to relate to someone who came out of a dark place and worked really hard to make positive changes in their life can make it a whole lot easier to do the same. It’s not always easy to believe in yourself. It can take a lot of ups and downs, trial and error, and self-doubt. But from experience, the harder you work, the greater the reward.
I battled with an eating disorder for close to ten years. Looking back, I was filled with so much denial. I just never saw myself as one of the typical girls that you would read about or see in a movie that had an eating disorder. I didn’t let myself believe it was real, but it was as real as they get. I felt weak, ashamed, embarrassed and guilty about what I was doing to myself, yet I just couldn’t stop. Being skinny was my only priority and unfortunately, that overcame how awful I felt mentally and physically. And trust me, I felt awful.
This isn’t me, but it’s definitely how I spent a lot of time feeling. Eating disorders can completely distort how you see yourself.
One of the scariest experiences I faced throughout my disordered eating journey happened when I was in grade 10. I remember it so vividly. My best friend and I were outside playing in the snow like a couple of kindergarteners. It was late in the afternoon and I hadn’t eaten a thing all day. I started to feel increasingly dizzy and shaky until all of a sudden, I completely blacked out. It seemed to happen in slow motion and it was absolutely terrifying. I thought to myself “oh my God, am I dying???” Well no, of course that wasn’t the case, and the blackout lasted less than a minute. When I came to, my friend was really concerned and I just casually said “oh, I forgot to eat breakfast.” She insisted that we go back to her house and eat something. I agreed, only because I really didn’t want to black out again. It was embarrassing and I didn’t want her to call my parents.
We went to her house and she opened up a can of tomato soup. I figured I was pretty safe eating that. I mean it was basically just vegetable juice. But then she added cream instead of water and my anxiety level went through the roof. I knew I had to eat the soup to keep her from worrying, and I was still quite shaky, but it was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. I hated myself more and more with each bite. I was convinced that I’d get fat from that one bowl of soup. I was mad at my friend too. Why was she trying to make me fat?? Didn’t she understand how hard I had worked to become skinny? Was she doing it on purpose? Was she jealous? No, of course not. She was being a really good friend and unfortunately, my eating disorder prevented me from seeing that.
Battling an eating disorder is like having a little devil on your shoulder, constantly whispering things in your ear like “don’t eat that! You’ll get fat! You’ll be prettier if you’re skinny! You’ll have more friends if you’re skinny! Everyone will like you more if you’re skinny!” And of course you have the angel on your other shoulder. She’s trying to tell you how dangerous what you’re doing is, but the devil just gets louder and louder until the angel disappears. I felt like I was in complete control of myself, while also having zero control at the same time. I was obsessed with the scale and absolutely miserable. My poor parents knew something was going on, but anytime they brought it up, I’d lash out at them and deny that I had a problem. I’d make sure that they saw me eat, all the while just waiting to get the food out of my body as quickly as possible. I hated food, and I hated myself. It was no way to live, but I just couldn’t escape.
I find writing about my history with eating disorders to be very therapeutic and also pretty scary. It puts me in a very vulnerable position but I’m so grateful that I was able to overcome such a difficult battle and for finally having the courage to open up about it. It’s not something that I’m ready to talk about out loud, but for now, this is enough. My hope is that someone out there who is going through a similar situation reads this and realizes that they’re not at a dead end. Health, happiness and self-confidence are a very real possibility. I’ll be back soon with A Touchy Subject ~ Part II.
XO ~ Shannon
my little lemon tree 