A Touchy Subject ~ Part III

I wanted to write this post before Christmas because it’s pretty specific to the holidays, but better late than never!

During the peak years of my disordered eating, I loved and dreaded the holidays. On the one hand, there was always an overload of food to binge on. I could eat and eat (and eat) until I literally had no room left in me. But then I would make room. And do it all over again. I’m not kidding when I say this, but I had zero self-control. I was basically a robot that shoved cookie after cookie and chip after chip into my mouth. In my mind, there was no point in eating anything at all unless I was going to eat everything.

On the other hand, I dreaded knowing that I’d have to be really sneaky so that my family wouldn’t catch on. I couldn’t eat masses of food in front of them, because I honestly ate abnormal amounts. They’d wonder why I wasn’t 400 lbs! And it was embarrassing. I certainly wasn’t going to help myself to thirds and fourths while everyone else struggled through their second helping. So I would consume as much as I could at any opportunity when no one was around.

I also dreaded the whole “getting rid of it all” part. In a house full of people, the bathroom is a hot commodity. “Shannon, are you STILL in there?” Because you see, I had to make sure not one tiny scrap of food was left in me. That took time. And then my face would be red, my nose would be runny, and my eyes would be watery. I’d have to spend a few minutes cleaning myself up before facing anyone.

Frankly, it was a huge pain in the ass. But I’d go for Round 2 anyway. Maybe Round 3 if there was time. I’d feel increasingly guilty with each bite, especially during the holidays. There were starving kids all over the world and here I was, wasting huge amounts of food. I really did hate myself for that.

To be honest, all these years later I do have quick bouts of panic that are very reminiscent to my past when I eat more than usual. But they are tiny in comparison and they don’t come with the warped perceptions about food and my body that I used to have. They also serve as reminders of how lucky I am to have fought and won this battle.

The holidays should be something to look forward to, not fear. Thankfully, I do look forward to them now, knowing very well that I’ll indulge more than I should. But I also know that that’s ok. It’s not something I do on a daily basis and if I gain 1 or 2 lbs, that’s ok too. Food is meant to be enjoyed and I am so grateful that I can do just that.

It’s funny (ok… not haha funny), but I get a little choked up writing these Touchy Subject posts. It’s actually a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I fear that I’ll be judged or that readers will think that what I’m sharing is really inappropriate. I also can’t help but feel a little embarrassed, even though I know it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. But at the same time, I realize with each paragraph that I write, this is something I needed to do. I never went to therapy, (it never even crossed my mind to do so), and I never talk about it with friends or family. I guess I figured, “I’m ok now, there’s no need to talk about it.” Turns out, I really did. So thank you for listening. YOU are my therapy :).

You can check out Part I and/or Part II here if you haven’t already.

Have a great FRIDAY!!!

Holiday Highlights (and Lowlights…)

Hello & Happy New Year! I’ve been MIA for a few weeks which was not my intention. There were numerous times that I wanted to sit down and write something, but between an awful stomach flu, traveling, last minute Christmas shopping, and all the other holiday chaos, it just didn’t happen.

I had a couple of weeks off work which was awesome because it meant more time with Ryland and Parker. Unfortunately, the first few days of my holidays consisted of the worst stomach flu that I’ve had since I was a kid. I couldn’t eat or drink a thing but thankfully the worst of it only lasted about 36 hours. Even better, I was completely fine by Christmas Eve day.

We spent about 6 days at my parents house over Christmas. Visits with them always consist of lots of R&R for me since they’re obsessed with their grandson and keep him occupied pretty consistently. My grandma, uncle and little cousin came out for a few days too which was really nice. To say I indulged on turkey & sweet treats is an understatement :/.

We had a pretty relaxed NYE. A couple of our friends and their baby came over and we just hung out and rang in 2016 together (quietly due to sleeping little ones!).

Now it’s back to the grind. Ryland and I slept in lots over the holidays so it was a little rough getting up with the roosters yesterday morning. Ahhh January…everyone’s favorite month, I’m sure ;).

Work’s busy, school is busy, life is just plain busy. I don’t really make specific new years resolutions, but I do intend on always making family a priority over everything. We can get so consumed with life sometimes so it’s especially important to set aside time for the people you love everyday. I don’t ever want to look back and be disappointed with myself for not doing that. I catch myself scrolling through Instagram in front of Ryland which is personally just not something I want to be doing. I can see what’s going on in the not-so-exciting social media world when he’s in bed. I will never come across anything in the cyber world that is more important than time spent with my son.

Speaking of social media, I think it’s important to give ourselves a little reminder from time to time that we shouldn’t ever compare our lives to the lives of others as portrayed through the internet. I read a quote awhile back…”Comparison is a thief of joy.” I could not agree more. People glorify their lives and rarely post about financial, relationship or general downfalls. Myself included. I post pictures of a very happy toddler, not any of him having total meltdowns. I would never post a picture of Duncan and I in the middle of an argument.

We may look at someone’s life through social media and think “wow, everything is just so wonderfully perfect for them.” But that’s just not realistic and I personally think it’s very important to remember that, especially in a world where social media is becoming so dominant. I’m going to do my best to instill this “little reminder” into the minds of Ryland and any future child(ren) that I may have. My worst fear is to raise kids that feel inferior or inadequate in any way, especially because of what they are seeing or being told through the internet and any form of media. It terrifies me, actually.

I guess a general resolution I’ll make is to be the best version of myself that I can. Sounds cheesy, but I believe that to be a good wife, mother, daughter, friend and so on, I need to take care of myself and work hard towards living a positive life. So that’s what I’m gonna do!

I hope you’re holidays were wonderful and left you with even better memories. I also hope that your 2016 is filled with lots of health, happiness & inspiration :).

 

 

A Touchy Subject ~ Part II

Hello & happy Friday & can you believe Christmas is in a week??!!! How did that even happen??? I’m ready-ish. Just a few more little things to buy (which i’m sure will turn into a lot of little things), and a few more cookies to bake. I have my work holiday party later today at a fancy restaurant that I could never afford to eat at otherwise, so that’s pretty exciting. And if we get a little break from the rain this weekend, I’m hoping to check out a couple of Christmas events.

OK, now onto a more serious note. You can check out A Touchy Subject ~ Part I if you want to get up to speed, as this post is a continuation from that.

I should probably mention how this all started. I was in grade 9 at the time. One night I made myself a bowl of ice cream with hot chocolate powder and Rice Krispies sprinkled on top. It was really good, so I decided to have another. A little while later, I went to have a shower but before I got in, I took a look in the mirror and for the first time, I saw a bunch of flab that seemed to have appeared overnight. I basically felt like a giant cow and I couldn’t believe I had let that happen to myself. And then I thought about the 2 bowls of ice cream I had just eaten and decided that it just couldn’t stay in my body. So, it didn’t. I remember thinking, “well that was easy.” And there you go. From that point on, for way too long, a vicious cycle had begun. In my mind, it was win-win. I could eat whatever I wanted but not get fat because I would simply get rid of the food.  And when I ate, I ate. Anything and everything in sight. I went back and forth between that and not eating anything at all and the weight just came flying off. I started to feel weak and sick, but it just didn’t matter.

It didn’t take long for friends and family to start commenting on my weight loss. Compliments quickly turned into concern, which was an even bigger compliment to me. One day, I went to the mall with my boyfriend at the time and I fit into a pair of size 1 pants. I was elated. My boyfriend basically said that I looked sick and gross, and as sad as it is, that made me happy.

It’s hard to believe that my body put up with that phase of my life. For a solid year at high school, my lunches consisted of a small bag of gummy bears and a can of diet coke. And nope, no breakfast to start my days. Even worse, I smoked cigarettes throughout high school and used them to curb my appetite on a very regular basis. I was consuming roughly 500 calories a day, sometimes less, which is way too low. Dangerously low. And those calories usually didn’t include an ounce of nutritional sustenance. But guess what? I was wearing size 2 jeans! Worth it, right? Not one little bit.

I had a part time job that I usually went to right after school which was great because I could get away with not eating dinner. I might have a few carrot sticks or rice cakes, maybe a plain bagel on a good day. If I happened to be at home, I’d sit down and eat dinner with my parents. Lots of dinner. Then I would sneak off after…and you know the rest.

I remember being at a friends party one night when I was about 15. Her parents ordered KFC for everyone and WOW did it ever smell delicious. Of course there was no way in hell I was going to let myself have any of the chicken, but I did give in and have one of the small little dinner rolls that came with it. I was SO mad at myself after. Seriously, just livid. I felt like a complete failure that had absolutely no self-control. When things like that happened, I would tell myself “ok, well tomorrow you have to make up for it,” and I’d basically eat nothing.

The farther I get in my nutrition program, the more I realize how lucky I am. There are so many health consequences that can result from eating disorders, both short and long-term, which for the most part, I was able to avoid. I deprived my body of the vital nutrition that it needed to keep me going, yet somehow it still didn’t fail me. I call that a miracle.

Thank you for tuning into Part II. As I mentioned before, writing about my disordered eating journey isn’t easy, but it’s good for me and I think it’s something that I really needed to do at some point, even all these years later. It’s helping me understand now what I couldn’t understand back then. A healing process that was a little delayed.

Have a great weekend and I’ll talk to you soon!

 

 

Cheesy Brown Rice & Black Bean Loaf

Hi!

Happy Monday :D. We had the most perfect November weather over here. Cold but not too cold and extra sunny! We deserved it though. The week leading up to it was pretty gross.

I basically have a river in my backyard with a path beside it that you can walk along for as long as you feel like walking. You might come across the odd black bear, but they generally won’t even give you the time of day. When we moved to the neighborhood almost 5 years ago, I just about died when I saw a bear up close for the first time, right by my house. Neighbors kept saying “don’t worry, they’re harmless,” and so far that’s proven to be true. But at the same time, they’re wild animals and us humans need to respect that and be cautious. Better safe than sorry!

My “backyard”

On Saturday we walked along the river for awhile and then headed over to a local high school that was hosting their annual Winter Market. There were tons of really crafty, cool, yummy goodies. I easily could’ve spent way too much money because I’m such a sucker for things like that, but I managed to walk out with my wallet still intact. I bought Ryland the Charlie Brown Christmas Story but the best part is that it’s a handmade quilt book. He buries his face in it and my heart explodes, as per usual with everything he does. I won’t deny that I’m an obsessed Mom. We also had some chocolate covered pretzels. Had to support the bake sale!!

OK, so back to the title of this post, the purpose of this post. I usually try to make something on Sundays that Ryland and I can take to work/daycare for lunch throughout the week. I also try to make sure that whatever I come up with has a good balance of protein, complex carbs, and healthy fats. Since I’m not a huge meat eater, I rely on beans and eggs quite often to get my protein and iron intake. Beans are also high in fibre, and we all know how important that is! I also love brown rice which is a plus because it’s full of fiber, antioxidants and slow-releasing sugars, which promote stable blood sugar. And last but not least, cheesy goodness. A little more protein, a good does of calcium, and of course, YUM.

OK…so it doesn’t look all that appetizing, but the lighting was bad and I used my cell phone. It turned out to be pretty tasty though, promise!

Cheesy Brown Rice & Black Bean Loaf

Ingredients

• 2 cups cooked brown rice
• 1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
• 2 eggs
• 1 cup shredded cheddar
• 1 tbsp taco seasoning
• 1 tbsp coconut oil (melted) or olive oil

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375° and grease a 9″ x 5″ loaf pan
2. In a large bowl, mix together rice, beans, and taco seasoning
3. In a small bowl, whisk together eggs and coconut oil or olive oil. Pour into large bowl and mix all ingredients well.
4. Gradually add shredded cheese to bowl, mixing gently.
5. Pour into loaf pan, pressing down gently until level.
6. Bake 40-45 minutes.
7. Let cool in pan for 10-15 minutes before removing.

I would say this is good in the fridge for 3 days max so I recommend freezing any that might not get eaten within that time. I had a slice for dinner last night and topped it with chopped green onions and hot sauce (because I’m addicted, I admit it). My fingers are crossed that Ryland gobbles it up at daycare today! Duncan turned his nose up at the brown rice but that’s fine. He can stick to white rice covered in MSG-filled soy sauce! I have a LOT of work to do on that guy :/.

Time to get to it. Have a great day!